QUESTION 1:
Bola asks . . .
"How Can I tell if he is the one? I met a man who I really like.
I love spending time with him. I think I might love him. But I'm
not sure if he's THE ONE. What do I do?"
Quick Note:
I spent the weekend out at a wedding
of two good friends of mine. Actually, I've known the
woman longer (her name's Helen). And when the guy (his name's Jimoh)
first showed up I was kind of distant and cold to him.
See, I'd seen Helen go through guy after guy.
Helen is head strong. Organized. Loves to travel.
Takes no shit from no one.
And I'd seen her chew through guys like a tiger
through steak for years.
Guy after guy would show up. They'd date for a
week or a month.
I wasn't sure Helen would ever
find what she was looking for.
But then she met Jimoh.
When I first met Jimoh I was kind of
hard on him. I joked about not
wanting to learn his name until he'd
been around for at least a couple of months.
But him and Helen just molded together like
clay.
They loved hanging out together.
They liked doing the same things.
He had no trouble putting up with her crazy,
manic drive and need to organize everything.
And they both wanted the same things.
So it was the easiest thing in the world
for me to get up in front of a few hundred
of our closest friends and talk about
how happy I was for them . . .
Anyway, back to your question.
Two quick things:
1. There is no "the one." Personally I find the whole
concept of "the one" kind of noxious and ridiculous
and dangerous.
There are almost 3.5 BILLION men on this planet
and the idea that there's only ONE person on
this whole planet who you could be happy with
is CRAZY and incredibly depressing.
Really there's THOUSANDS of guys out
there who if you met in the right situation
you could be REALLY happy with.
(And there's thousands of others who would
grate on you like carrots for salad.)
2. Spending all your time worrying about whether
a guy is "the one" is a great way to let life pass you by;
to push good men away (and give bad men a chance to use
you and abuse you) . . . to end up old and bitter and alone.
So let's get to the REAL question you're asking me:
"Is this a guy I should invest in? Is this a guy
I should commit to? Is this a guy I should
think of as a long term partner who I will
love and adore and fight with and go crazy with
and hopefully grow old with?"
And of course, I don't know because I don't
know you and I don't know the guy.
But here's a couple quick guidelines:
1. Do you LIKE the guy.
Yeah, yeah, I know, your heart bursts like you're
a watermelon at a D'banj/Davido show when
you're near him, but do you actually LIKE him?
When it comes to a long term relationship
love isn't really enough. You need to actually LIKE
him too.
2. Do you RESPECT the guy?
Do you respect who he is as a person? Are
you proud of what he's accomplished in his
life? Does he have integrity?
3. Do you have FUN together?
If you're fighting all the time now,
you're going to be fighting all the time later
too. (My couples fall into this trap.)
4. Do you want the same things in your life?
What makes Jimoh and Helen work so well
together is they want EXACTLY the same things.
Travel. Photography. Kids.
They agree 100% on the BIG stuff.
Now, this is a WAY bigger topic than I can really cover
here, but it's a place to start.
Let go of "the one" and find someone who loves
you for you . . . who smiles when they see
you walk into a room . . . who makes you feel
wonderful when he has you in his arms . . . who
pushes you to be the best you can be . . . who laughs
at your flaws and celebrates your strengths and who
wants the same future you do.
QUESTION 2:
Bst Tara asks . . .
"I have two questions that are a result of current events in my life.
#1: Why do women continue to stay married to men who are chronic players/cheaters?
#2: Should I tell my friend that her chronic players/cheater has done it again?"
Hey Tara . . .
Great one. But I spent so much time on the first question, let's keep this short:
1. Low self esteem. Fear of not being able to make it on her own. Being a "Love victim"
who thinks loving someone means letting them destroy you. Money. Kids. Not
wanting to be a "failure." Religious beliefs that say you stay with someone
no matter what. Maybe he's a great father and a really good dad. A million reasons
under the sun.
2. Here's a really easy way to figure that one out: If your situation were reversed
would you want your friend to tell you? For all you know she already
knows all about it and it's really not your job to police their relationship.
But if you think the wool is being pulled over her eyes, sit her down,
tell her some upsetting news, realize that it may well blow
up in your face.
And the FINAL question is one I want
YOU PEOPLE to answer because it's awesome:
Molly asks . . .
"Why are good guys not good in bed? And why if the
guy is good at sex he's a bastard?"
I have a LOT of things to say about that one,
but I want your opinions first...lol, lmao...
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