1. DON'T BE WISHY-WASHY.
Have you ever noticed that, in conversations,
there is usually a tone-setter and a reactor?
and the mood. They create reactions in the other
person through their use of language,
conversational topic, and physical cues. They may
be making jokes, but not laughing at them; they
may be telling stories, but refraining from
responding to them.
The other person is the reactor. They're the one who reacts more - they're usually laughing more than the other person and responding appropriately to the conversation of the first
person.
In a lot of male/female interactions, the male is the one who sets the tone, and the woman is the
one who reacts to that leadership.
This behavior is usually based in INSECURITY, and as a result, turns a lot of guys OFF. Think about it.
For a lot of women, it 'feels' more 'natural'to not 'rock the boat' and not risk disapproval by actually having an opinion and stating it ... but I've got to say that most 'quality men' are USED to women like this, and they're BORED by them.
(And furthermore - c'mon now! Neediness just doesn't cut it. ACTING non-needy is the first step
towards BEING non-needy.)
Men often want more of a CHALLENGE.
That's not to say that rudeness, brusqueness or abruptness is desirable ... but it is DEFINITELY
desirable when you're able to have your own mind and speak it, too.
2. DON'T EXPECT THEM TO 'GET IT' BY THEMSELVES ALL THE TIME
Many women tend to be 'bush-beaters' - they get coy, indirect, and drop hints about stuff.
Then, they get resentful and crabby when those hints don't get taken or acted upon.
Here's an idea for lasting happiness on BOTH sides: say what you mean, and mean what you say.
Ever been around one of those couples where the girl's always SAYING that something's OK, but you can tell -deep down - that it's not?
I used to have friends who did that, and it always made for a very uncomfortable atmosphere when I'd hang out with them and their boyfriends.
They'd be too nervous to say what they REALLY felt, so instead, would SAY that something was fine ... when, clearly, it wasn't. And then, when their boyfriend went ahead and did it, they'd get grumpy and take out their mood on him by pouting, playing up for attention, and sulking.
This is totally demeaning and NOT attractive.
How about this? How about getting interested in actually being STRAIGHT-UP about what you think, as and when you form that opinion?
If you can master the art of easygoing directness, you instantly skyrocket your value in ANY social setting. Speaking your mind (tactfully) is something that not a lot of people feel capable of doing ... and as a result, you INSTANTLY seem classy, in-control, and 'real'. (Read: HOT.)
Did you know that, as women, our brains
LITERALLY never disengage?
Studies in neurobiology have shown that women's
brains never disengage.
The corpus callosum (that connects the 2 sides
of our brain) is different to men's, and the result is that the left and right sides of the brain are constantly interacting, communicating, parsing meaning from the world.
Even when we're asleep, we're still 'working'
with our brains!Guys do not do this. Their brains can 'turn off'.
This may be why men like to 'unwind' by disengaging the brain and just thinking about nothing for awhile.
Here's how this can apply to your life. Have you ever noticed that, when women come home from a hard day at work, they want to talk about all the stuff that happened to them that day?
Generally, discussing the day helps us to relax, put things in perspective, and get into 'recreation-time' mode.
Men, on the other hand, often prefer a more 'meditative' approach: lots of guys like to come home and think (and, more importantly, TALK) about NOTHING MUCH for awhile.
If you want to INSTANTLY IMPROVE relations with the guy in your life, try giving him at least - at
LEAST! - half an hour of silent, unbothered 'fire-gazing time' without interruption.
Not to call too heavily on history to explain current events, but ...
In pre-historic times, men did chilled out and 'got perspective' literally by gazing into the fire. They would sit there in silence, enjoying the flickering light and the red glow from the embers, and would remain there until they felt ready to re-enter the hive of the community.
In modern times, men do this by reading the newspaper, watching the news on TV, browsing online, or just pottering around for awhile.
Instead, we recognize that they're fire-gazing and allow them to continue until they feel ready to rejoin the conversation of their own accord.
Most guys would appreciate it more than they can say if you would just allow them that half-hour or so of quiet time when they come home at the end of the day before asking questions, requesting help with the dinner, or talking to them about your day.
This is something that a lot of women struggle with, because it seems so unnatural to us. So here's a suggestion: don't knock it 'til you've tried it. Give him a kiss when he walks in the door, and then go do your own thing until HE comes to YOU.
4. PICK YOUR 'WE NEED TO TALK' TIMES WELL...
It JUST MAKES SENSE that, if you have something you want to talk about, that you choose a GOOD TIME to do it in.
Regardless, lots of women are driven by their EMOTIONS when choosing a 'talking time' ... and end
up picking a bad time that virtually GUARANTEES frustration for both parties.
For example, a lot of women bring up 'issues' when they're in the car (with him driving.) This is often because there's a fair amount of 'quiet time' for the passenger when travelling together (he's concentrating; you're gazing out the window and mulling things over.)
This is when women often have 'a-ha!' moments -moments when they just feel COMPELLED to bring something up.
Unfortunately, this need often coincides with the very moment that he's trying to navigate an eight-lane 'Spaghetti Junction' of an intersection, and as a result, the opener's greeted with annoyance and/or silence.
Other classic times that well-meaning women tend to bring up 'issues':
- When the news is on
- When he's reading
- When he's just got home
- On a tearful 2 a.m. phone call
- In bed
If you've got something important to discuss, choose your time well. Wait til you're both feeling relaxed and in a good mood. Wait til he's not busy doing something else. And THEN bring it up.
A quick note: try your hardest to NEVER talk about 'difficult' (or potentially-difficult) subjects in bed. The bed that you share should be a 'safe place' where only sex, sleeping, and other fun stuff happens. If you want to keep 'bedtime' as 'cozy time', steer away from the 'difficult' conversations when in it. Oh ... and don't use phrases like 'we need to talk'.
Obviously, there are going to be times when a
guy's behavior leaves you feeling baffled and
confused. But here's what I recommend: don't fly
off the bat. Until you KNOW BETTER, try giving him
the benefit of the doubt.
There are a whole BUNCH of reasons as to why this is the better alternative!
First of all: when your guy feels like you trust and believe in him, he feels energized and motivated to do the right thing by you. Your belief in him makes him want JUSTIFY that belief.
On the other hand, beat him down with enough doubt and leaping-to-the-wrong-conclusion activity, and he's going to end up feeling mistrusted, childish, and resentful.
You can guess what the result of this is.
Secondly: sometimes, a guy will actually deliberately TEST YOU to see how you'll react. This is often to see how much 'control' he's got over you, and/or how upset you'll get about something he's done. (The subtext, of course, is to see how much you care about him.)
If you get out-of-control upset about something he's done, he's going to know EXACTLY where he's
got you. (Hint: that's not a good thing.) He now knows exactly what he has to do to get a reaction
out of you. (Did you know that some guys misbehave around their girlfriends just because her reaction makes him feel more cared-for?)
Thirdly: it's about respect. Your respect for yourself, and HIS respect for YOU. Think about it this way: if you're interested in top-quality relationships, you've actually got to be WORTHY of having one.
This is isn't something you can 'fake' your way into: the kind of guy that you're interested in is, most likely, also interested in quality women.
So, getting overly upset is going to make you seem childish, immature, and out of control. In
words: UNATTRACTIVE, and NOT the kind of woman that quality men tend to go for.
Quality attracts quality: if you want great relationships, you've got to BE GREAT. And in this case, that means remaining CALM, and steering away from condemnation.
This isn't about 'buttoning your lip' or trying to sugarcoat the situation - if you've got a problem, by all means be open about it.
However, before committing yourself to being emotionally offended, my suggestion is that you make the effort to understand WHY he's behaving in a certain way.
Here's an idea: try asking him to explain why he's acting that way. Give him the chance to explain himself. You might be pleasantly surprised- and at the least, you'll have given him the chance to correct his behavior without automatically resorting to emotional upset and hurt feelings.
6. DON'T LAUGH WITH YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT HOW
ILLOGICAL AND DUMB GUYS ARE.
This is a MAJOR attraction killer. It's just plain bad form to poke fun at guys for being different to women - and it also feeds that tendency to rely on stereotypes to 'explain the sexes' and build a sense of 'superiority'. Needless to say, this will do nothing but create a sense of emotional and psychological segregation, and will do nothing to build up your attraction.
inherently different. Don't expect men to act like
we do. And when they DO act differently, give them
the benefit of the doubt ... and don't make fun.
Just talk to him about your expectations, and
he'll let you know whether he can meet those
expectations or not.
7. BE FLEXIBLE.
There are a lot of times when men and women just flat-out disagree. Our gender differences are responsible for a lot of these rifts of opinion, and sometimes the disagreements can get ugly.
What I'm suggesting here is that men - just like women - want to be understood and appreciated.
Sometimes, men will not live up to your expectations or ideals. I've found that, often, women have these interior sets of ideals that they hope the man in their life will live up to. Sometimes he will be found lacking. It's practically inevitable.
But perhaps, instead of feeling short-changed and upset, you might like to experiment with being just a little more flexible with those ideals of yours.
It might be appropriate for you to share your hopes and ideals with your man. And if you don't feel that you can articulate them to him, maybe you should ask yourself why that is.
Is it because you know, deep down, that those ideals are unrealistic?
Try just loosening up your values a little bit.You'll probably be much happier - and, when you're happy, the man in your life will be happy, too.
8. DON'T ALWAYS BE AVAILABLE!
This isn't about playing hard to get ... it's about keeping your priorities straight and having the self-respect and the PASSION for your own life that's all part of being a desirable woman.
Here's what often happens in the 'first flush'
...
Plenty of women start off by playing "hard to get" when they're in the initial stages of dating a man. Even if they don't have a whole heck of a lot going on in their lives other than the potential new boyfriend, they make a point of ACTING as though they do.
They screen their calls, they wait a day or two before returning his calls, they go out on girls' nights to which he is not invited, and they talk enthusiastically about all the other great things they have going on in their lives.
Then, once things get even a teensy bit committed, the boundaries come down and the reality is unleashed ... and she ends up being a lot more available than the guy had actually bargained for.
This great, independent woman that he thought he was dating has suddenly vanished ... and now all
that's left is a dependent, needy girl who wants to spend an awful lot of time with him.
(NOTE: This is a major reason why I do not advocate the playing of 'games' when it comes to men and dating. It might attract a man in the first place ... but over time, it's simply not sustainable. And when the curtains come down, that's when he'll see you've been using TRICKS to 'get him', and he'll be OUT of there.)
So ... you don't have to become completely unavailable. However, it pays not to underestimate the simple power of taking a couple nights a week to do 'you' stuff. This'll prevent things feeling 'flat' and stale, it'll energize and revitalize both of you, and it'll give you some much-needed 'me-time'.
9. TALK ABOUT YOURSELF SOMETIMES - DONT' ALWAYS
WAIT TO BE ASKED QUESTIONS.
Many of my female friends moan that their dates are constantly talking about themselves.
However: I know for a FACT that a great deal of women assume the role of The Questioner without
even meaning to.
To a lot of women, it's a sign of affection and caring to ask the other person lots of questions about themselves, and to get them to open up in this way.
Men, on the other hand, do not do this. They don't tend to barter questions back and forth. If they're asked a question, they'll view it as a sign that you want to hear more about THEM.
In this way, the conversation can rapidly become one-sided.
lot more airtime if you just come on out and talk
about yourself, without waiting to be asked. This
shows you're gutsy, confident, and that above all,
you value yourself: you're not waiting for his
approval or validation.
(And in addition, it'll prevent you from
getting frustrated. Nobody likes to be in a
conversation where it's all one-sided, so take
control by yourself!)
Tomorrow, we're going to be looking at why men
are attracted to females - some of the juiciest
secrets for making a man want you (hint: it's NOT
about looks!)
With love,
Elizabeth John
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